Pure Horsepoop

Daniel gives Chloe yet another lymph node exam. Early tests indicate she will be having twins.

Sami hides all the towels in the safehouse and gets a really good look at Rafe.

Shawn and Belle return to Salem. Realizing his great-niece is back in town, Max asks Claire out on a date but she declines since, at 42, she's too old for him.

EJ attends a show at Radio City Music Hall. Every single one of the Rockettes gets pregnant.

Kate develops another fatal disease. No one knows what it is or how to cure it. Daniel snaps his fingers. Not only is Kate cured, but she also starts dressing like a normal human being.

John and Marlena reconcile and get married. Marlena doesn't know whether to add "DiMera" or "Black" to her collection of last names, so she adds both, becoming Marlena Evans-Craig-Bradford-Brady-Black-North-Black-Dimera-Black-Dimera.

Chelsea gains a pound and considers gastric bypass surgery.

Patch and Kayla break open a bottle of champagne for the new year. While she's cleaning up the glass, Kayla suggests next time Patch just pop the cork instead of using a saber.

Stephano waits on the couch for Kate's answer to his proposal.

Melanie becomes a millionaire when she suddenly loses all her teeth and leaves them under her pillow for the tooth fairy.

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Unfortunately, there is no video today. The DVR saw we were trying to record DOOL and it ran out screaming, "I can't take it any more!"

Brady and Phillip scream at each other. Phillip says, "I'm sorry... I lost my head. Fortunately, it was replacable."

Bo tells Stefano, "I have a search warrant. It gives me the right to search your house for warrants, whatever they are."

Victor yells, "You're fired!" Phillip asks, "What did I do this time?" Victor says, "Nothing. I want Lucas to be my CEO. Inside of a week he'll destroy the company and we will qualify for a government bailout."

Lexie cries, "Theo's autistic." Celeste says, "I didn't even know he could draw."

Hope bawls, "OMG! Ciara is missing!" Roman says, "Calm down. When did you last see her?" Hope is a fountain of tears, "Christmas morning – 2006."